get in my pants ›

The last nine years have been pretty void of any real relationships. I ended my engagement with Leg Boy and hopped right into a relationship Where's Waldo, neither of whom were stellar choices in men. Leg Boy was pretty controlling and rather pissy when I wouldn't go along with it. He would constantly ask me how many people I'd slept with and unless I said "None, Leg Boy. You were the first. I was a virgin before I met you," he'd get belligerent. It didn't matter that he knew about where he fell on my graph of men (and if he'd been the first, I'd be a nun right now because sex was that bad with him). I'd generally go along with him just to get him to shut up. I somewhat used Waldo as a means to get out of that relationship. The mistake in that was that Leg Boy introduced me to Waldo. Oops. (To be fair, Leg Boy crashed a girl's night that I specifically told him not to crash or I was gone--he brought Waldo as the buffer so I wouldn't dump him in front of his friend. I didn't. I dumped him afterwards and then made out with his friend.)

Waldo was a moocher. He moved in with Jaime and I after he got kicked out of the Navy for smoking pot. (Yeah, I can pick 'em, boy!) I figured he'd get a job. He could barely spell his own name. At this point, I was going to school full time, about to graduate, and working on top of it. Part of my deal with my parents was that they'd help pad the cost of living while I was in school, but that I also needed to work to pay for my car and insurance, etc. I was fine with that deal and I did pretty well for the most part when I was just supporting myself. When I was supporting myself and Waldo (unbeknownst to my parents, of course), it was rough. Eventually, I sent him back to the Midwest where he came from and he wound up hooking up with a 16 year old meth-head while we were still technically exclusive. That's when I decided that I needed a break from Boyfriendville.

And so here I am. It's 9ish years later and I haven't been a "girlfriend" to anyone in this time. I've dated, but never to the degree where I'd call someone my boyfriend. There were a few people I dated. Like EJ, the guy whom I was sure would rape me sooner or later, but I kept going back because my brain was apparently absent for several months of my life. But even though I say I "dated," the truth was, most of the time it wasn't dating. It was just fucking. It was hate-fucking, to be 100% honest. I was hate-fucking them, and I was allowing them to hate-fuck me. Everything was supposed to be no-strings.

So for 9 years, I was involved with various men who were okay with sticking me, but didn't want any emotional strings. And because I liked the sticking, I figured it was okay--that I wanted no strings as well. It sounds rougher than it was, I think. I was pretty emotionally closed off for much of that time and even if strings were available, I don't know that I was in the right frame of mine to be able to keep them in tact. So I convinced myself that this no-strings sex was okay, that these pseudo-relationships without any feelings were just fine, that they were ideal even.

Inevitably, things got messed up here and there. The thing with EJ was a huge debacle. We went out enough that we both considered us to be "dating" but when I wanted exclusivity, it turns out he just wanted a hole. But when I decided I wasn't going to be used like that anymore, he went all mind-fuck on me some more. It was a big melodramatic ending that thankfully came before he did any physical damage to me, but I think it was getting dangerously close to that point by then. I did a no-strings with MK until I realised it was kinda screwing with his head a little bit--he'd just left a big relationship. Later, we hooked up again and his head was in a better place. I figured it was just like the last time--no strings. I didn’t realise I was wrong--he wanted strings and I was dating AP and I wanted strings with him. MK was hurt by that and I haven't spoken to him since, and I was hurt when AP didn't want my strings.

And if that wasn't mess enough, my life has always been peppered with those guys who only want me after I'm already taken or otherwise involved. (Big entry currently being written about one of these.) If I was dating someone, he'd express interest. If I said "Alright, I'll end it so we can be together," he'd run. There have been more than just one of these (but I still love you most, Brandon) and it tends to screw with me even further.

I'm now in the place where I'm not so diametrically opposed to commitment. I've given up hate-fucking (which means fucking in general, actually) and I'm trying to put myself out there. But I don't know how this works. I haven't been in any sort of emotional exchange in so long, I'm not sure how people are just free to feel. I've spent 9 years either blocking the ability to feel for someone or else denying the feelings I actually had because the other person wasn't open to them.

I feel like I'm at a disadvantage here. I don't know how to do it--I don't know how to just openly feel for someone. I don't know the protocol of it. I don't know if I'm supposed to just let it all out as it comes--I'd think that would be a faux pas, as I tend to be hyper-feeling and because I'm an articulate person, describing those feelings can sometimes be overwhelming, even when the feelings themselves aren’t. (Writer's curse, I guess?) I'm so used to the No Strings approach that I don't know if I'm supposed to be interested in feelings (I am) or if I'm supposed to express an interest in having or receiving feelings.

Hopping into bed is pretty much second nature to me--does doing that mean that strings/feelings aren't a possibility afterwards? Do I have to state up front that I'm looking for more than a cheap, easy fuck? Isn't that a lot of pressure? I'm just not willing to hate-fuck anymore. I don't want no-strings sex. I want sex with emotion. I miss that. I haven't had that in ages. I haven't been valued as more than a series of orifices in too long (even by my own self) and I'm trying to get away from that. But is laying out that I only want sex if it's going to be exclusive a little too heavy? It seems like the "dating pool" tends to hop right into the sack. I'm not against that. But I want more. I don't know how anyone ever actually gets more without actually having sex. I don't know that it's just not a matter of extreme luck that someone you have sex with suddenly starts to actually want to be with you. And how rare is that, anyway? Cos based on my own experience, it looks like I need to just give up now.

The whole situation just sucks. And it doesn't look very promising. And when you're thinking of that as you drift off to sleep, waking up seems pretty pointless.

‹ out, damn spot!